i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
