There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
