I will die if light touches me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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