i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
