He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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