We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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