Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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