gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
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I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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