Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
