im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Man, jail baloney is awful.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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