My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
