Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
false alarm, still single
Congratulations! We have a period
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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