You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
