i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
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surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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