The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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