I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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