Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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