chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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