So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
FUCK WHALES
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
