So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
