Moan for me like Helen Keller
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
