kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
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She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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