WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
