God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
