if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
