I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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