Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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