Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
