dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Randomize
