3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
