I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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