Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
