If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
