you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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