I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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