Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
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Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
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Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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