the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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