You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
