the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
