i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
