you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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