if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
