Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
