Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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