enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you will always have a special place in my vag
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
