I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
