Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
