I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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