so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
