I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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