that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
