Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
