So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
