theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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