Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
