My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
