i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
