I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
