her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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