Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
