you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
